Finally, I told my best friend and she offered to go with me to the school counselor. The counselor and Mom believed me and Dad admitted it was all his fault. That made me feel better. The abuse stopped and Dad was removed from the house, but they made me attend counseling each week and in some ways that did more harm than good. It was horrible. I hated it.
I had gone to church all my life and perhaps should have realized that Jesus made it possible for the past to be behind me, but that was not what they told me in counseling. They said when I was grown I would either hate all men and want nothing to do with them, or I would want to be sexual with every guy I met. It was like I was trapped again and had to go either one way or the other. I still believed in God, but I was just mad at Him, too. I did not know why He would let this happen. So, I did not turn to Him for help and instead became promiscuous.
After high school, I moved to Oklahoma and was involved in a life of partying and drugs and alcohol. I thought I was having a blast, but inside I knew something was wrong. My relationships were shallow and I put myself in danger more than once. Some bad things were my own fault. Others were not. Twice I was raped. I would pray at night and ask God to send me a good man. I thought I could settle down if I had the right man, but I was wrong. The right man would help, but real change had to come from the inside.
I met my husband, John, at a bar. We had only known each other two weeks when he moved in and in another two weeks, he proposed. We were married five months later. Now, I had a “good” man, but things were still not right. Before long we didn’t’ even like each other very much. As a matter fact, we did not even know each other very much. But, thank God He kept our marriage together. Eventually we adopted a little girl, Carlie, and we started attending church regularly. I am very grateful that through many trials we have found both God and each other.
One trial was when I became very sick. I went to the emergency room but the doctor dismissed me saying it was nothing that couldn’t wait. I was scheduled for some routine surgery the next week, but by that time I was really, really sick. When the surgeon cut me open he found that my appendix had been ruptured for nearly a week! They patched me up and I went home, but was back again in less than thirty-six hours. That time, infection was eating me deep inside. I was in the hospital for over a month and we thought I was going to die.
Unhappy with the medical care I was receiving, John transferred me to a different hospital and although it took another month of care, they saved my life. I slowly got better despite staph infection in my blood. This time with good care I was healing from the inside out. When I think about it, that is the way God heals, too. First, He works deep inside and then moves to the things people can see from the outside.
For me, part of that deep inner healing has been learning to trust and allow people to get close to me. I remember just last year sitting on the love seat talking to John about how I felt God was working on me. I felt that He was showing me that I used my past trauma as an excuse not to let people close. I told John I wanted God to work in me, but I thought I hindered Him because I was so scared of being hurt. It felt good when John understood. I soon found that God understood, too, and He cared deeply about my hurt and confusion.
The next week we had revival at our church and the pastor talked about how things from our past need not determine our future. He said we need to let the past be the past and let God work in us today. I totally fell apart. I was weeping uncontrollably. I knew God was talking directly to me. I knew I needed to let go of the past but I also knew I couldn’t do this unless I forgave all those people who had hurt me.
Slowly, I am learning to let the past be behind me and even to forgive those that sinned against me. I see more clearly the difference between the sins I have done and the sins someone committed against me and know that God has solutions for both of these. God is bigger than my past and my future can be free.
Shonda is a wife and mother attending a small church in East Texas where she and John lead as youth workers.
